I surrender, p.6
I Surrender, page 6
“You threatened her figuratively.” He senses my fury and averts his eyes, avoiding eye contact with me.
“Jasper quit it with the vagueness. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” This conversation is going nowhere and my dinner is getting cold!
Jasper looks uncomfortable, but I make my intentions clear by giving him a pointed look. He has ten seconds to explain himself before I slam this door shut.
He gets the message, loud and clear. “She feels threatened about… you and me.” He replies awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.
“You and me?”
I cannot deal with the emotional turmoil of being around Jasper, but I need to clarify what he meant by ‘you and me.’ “What exactly about you and me is there for her to feel threatened about?” I question, suddenly very interested in his answer.
He only clears his throat, looking everywhere but at me. Could it be, Jasper actually felt something during our moment? Maybe I wasn’t imagining things.
Meeting my eyes, he gives me an ambiguous smile. “Can I please come in? I really don’t want an audience.” Nodding his chin towards Mrs. Carmichael, whose nosey head can be seen through her kitchen window watching our unusual exchange.
He is right. This spectacle is one I don’t want the whole neighborhood gossiping about so, reluctantly I open the door. He steps inside and peers around the living area. I am suddenly very self aware of the messy state my house is in, and most importantly my attire. While this man stands before me looking like God’s gift to women, I look like I have ransacked a homeless person.
I try desperately to collect magazines, lip glosses and clothes off the sofa for Jasper to sit down. Hands full with nowhere to put anything neatly, I toss them behind the couch, out of sight, out of mind. All the while Jasper is looking at me with that smirk, his left dimple more pronounced than I have ever seen it. Well, I am pleased one of us is amused.
“Please sit, sorry about the mess.” He sits on one end of the sofa while I am pushed up against the other end with nowhere to go because the arm rest is obstructing an escape. I feel embarrassed around him, on edge even. I feel like a frightened animal assessing the threat presented before her. Jasper on the other hand looks quite relaxed and calm. With his right hand leaning causally against the back of the sofa he turns in to look at me. I subtly move back, damn this arm rest!
“Ava why are you so nervous?” he asks calmly, almost smug.
Yeah Ava why are you so nervous. That’s the million dollar question.
“I’m not nervous,” I reply lamely, looking around the room for the quickest escape route.
“Then why do you look like you’re about to scream bloody murder if I breathe the wrong way?”
His smile is infectious but I am pissed off with his smugness so I abruptly answer, “Ha ha. So you wanted to talk, talk! I don’t have time for this shit.”
That wipes that arrogant look off his face. Win for Ava!
“I just wanted to apologize for what Indie said to you,” Jasper whispers, giving nothing away.
“You know what she said?” I ask surprised she would tell him.
“I don’t know details but I know she has said something to you. And I wanted to correct what she said in regards to me being her boyfriend.”
That has my attention and I look at him, crossing my arms over my chest, waiting for him to continue.
“I have known Indie since she was fourteen and we have been… on and off for longer than I can remember.” He calls an obvious unstable relationship being ‘on and off.’ I bite my tongue to correct his oversight.
“I appreciate the sentiment, but you have nothing to apologize for. Indie is the one who should be apologizing for being such a gigantic bitch.” Oh crap, I said that out loud.
Jasper is startlingly laughing; did he not hear me call his girlfriend an enormous bitch? Where is his loyalty? Yes Indie is a bitch but if another would dare cuss out on Harper when we were together, they would be in for an ear bashing.
Jasper must see my alarm at his treachery as he quickly explains. “I wanted to clarify; Indie and I are not together.” I sit and stare, well God damn I was right.
But I remind myself it doesn’t matter either way because I am staying away from men, but of course curiosity gets the better of me. “What do you mean? You didn’t seem to correct her when she all but sky wrote the fact she was your girlfriend!”
He has a big hole ripped in the knee of his faded blue jeans and an ‘AC/DC’ t-shirt is hugging his taut chest. He looks younger today because he’s clean shaven and with that huge grin plastered all over his face, he appears all the more the delinquent. Why does he find this so amusing? I am so frustrated and he looks like he’s heard the funniest joke.
“Things with Indie and me, they are complicated,” he replies like that’s meant to answer my question.
“Oh God quit it with your Facebook phrases. You’re either together or you’re not. Black and white. Judging by Indie’s reaction to us talking last night, I think it’s safe to assume she thinks you guys are together.” Very together I add silently, remembering her promise to make my life a living hell if I even looked in Jaspers’ direction. Gee, I hope she didn’t know about tonight.
“Nothing in a relationship is ever black and white Ava.” Jasper replies, avoiding my eyes.
“I disagree, when you make the decision to spend your life with someone that is black and white.” My views on relationships won’t change just because Harper didn’t know the first thing about loyalty.
“Is that why you’re here now and not in Singapore?” Jasper retorts, crooking an eyebrow at me.
That bastard! I see red, again. I am starting to realize this is a common reoccurrence with Jasper.
I throw my hands out in exasperation. “This is not about me. This is about why your girlfriend has an issue with us talking. I was quite happy to respect her wishes but then you show up on my doorstep, an enigma. Please explain as I think I have missed the memo!”
Jasper takes a visible breath. “She got jealous when she saw us together and she wanted to stake her claim. Let me clarify; Indie and I are NOT together. We don’t do the conventional ‘dating’ thing.” Seriously am I meant to understand what that means? I am so confused.
Coming to a conclusion I blurt out, “Oh okay so you just use each other for sex.” Crap, again with the Tourette’s.
Jasper half smiles, “Something like that.”
Is that meant to explain anything, and should I just disregard the thought that is currently going through my mind that Jasper is a manwhore!
“It’s not just sex Ava,” Jasper says intensely.
“Oh my God, can you be any more cryptic?” I roll my eyes annoyed with his games. He looks deliciously sinful as he tongues his upper lip, like he is contemplating his next comment.
“I have known Indie forever. We understand each other. We know where we stand on the relationship front and I’ve made it clear our future will not end in three kids, a white picket fence and a minivan. We comfort each other emotionally and physically.” He replies calmly, while running his hand through his tangled hair.
I however flush when thinking about Jasper comforting Indie ‘physically’. I know a twenty two year old should not be blushing, but taking in Jaspers’ messy hair which is now sticking up in rebellious spikes, his perfect bow lips and that devilish body which naked would look perfect, a girl no matter her age can’t help but redden.
Judging by the verbal bashing I received, I think Jasper needs to have another talk with Indie because her perception of their ‘relationship’ differs vastly from his.
“Okay great, glad we’ve cleared that up, but why did you come here tonight to tell me this?” I want to know the answer, but I am afraid of his response.
Jasper blows a breath through his wicked lips. “I wanted to explain this to you because I… just wanted things to be clear between us.” And again with the ambiguity.
I roll my eyes at him yet again. This conversation is wasting my time and I attempt to get off the couch, putting an end to this pointless discussion, but Jasper quickly recovers.
“Ava I know you don’t know me, but when I want something, I get it. I feel like there is something between us. I know you’ve gone through a messy breakup and I’m well complicated,” he smirks continuing, “but I really don’t want to pass up this opportunity of getting to know you better. Wherever that leads,” he shrugs, “no one knows. But if we don’t pursue it, I think we will both look back with regrets.”
If someone told me Jasper would be sitting on my couch telling me he wants to uncover our something I would have laughed hysterically in their face. But here was Jasper, in my living room telling me just that.
Jasper’s head is cocked to the side, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t realize how blue his eyes really were until now, because they are focused so intently on me. “Please tell me you feel the same, and I haven’t just made an ass of myself.”
I take two deep breaths overcome with emotion. “Yes you’re right, but I can’t offer you anything more than friendship, you get that right?” I reply, wanting to stress the fact that I am in no way looking for a relationship with him or anybody for a while.
Jasper nods. “I understand and I am happy with whatever you want to give. I just want to know what this ‘thing’ is between us,” he replies motioning between the two of us with his fingers.
This is the first lick of sense my life has made since Harper broke my heart. I can do this, I can be Jasper’s friend.
“One problem though, and that is Indie. She will not like us being friends, believe me. She made that point quite clear.”
He frowns firmly. “You let me handle Indie.”
“Okay.” I could do that. “So…what do we do now?”
Jasper laughs. “Well what do friends normally do? Go get coffee, hang out, that kind of stuff. That’s all I’m asking Ava. I’m an artist, I like to explore then write about it. You never know, if you turn out to be as interesting as I think you are, there just might be a hit song about you.”
I throw a pillow at him jokingly. “You most definitely will not be singing about me or our friendship.” This feels nice and normal.
Looking across the sofa at one another, Jasper extends his hand for a handshake. His eyes are unreadable. “Friends?”
I hesitantly move closer and slip my palm into his. A sudden unexpected warmth pools in my belly which throws me off guard. I ignore it and smile. “Friends.”
Our hands stay entwined for a second longer than a friendly handshake should. Being friends should be easy, right?
Chapter 12:
My Heart is Beating Like a Jungle Drum
I hate Monday’s, especially after tossing and turning for most of the night thinking about my new friend. I don’t even know why I am thinking about him, my brain has officially been fried.
I get out of bed frustrated and exhausted and head downstairs for a cup of my morning pick-me-up. V is scrambling eggs before she heads off to work. I sit down at the kitchen table and rest my head on the table top. I can tell V is looking at me. “What’s up with you?” Most days I can deal with her inquests, but today my brain is fried and I really need to conserve as much brain power to write my CV.
“Don’t give me the silent treatment. You know that doesn’t work with me,” V states scrambling her eggs happily. Looking at her breakfast pensively I realize my brain actually feels like V’s eggs. I let out a random chuckle and V knows it has nothing to do with her comment.
“Ava you are scaring me right now, are you going to cut down my door with an ax and scream ‘HERE’S AVA’ in the middle of the night?”
I giggle at her reference to the movie ‘The Shining.’
“Sorry V. I was comparing your breakfast to my brain and well it sounded a lot funnier in my head.”
“Ah ha,” V replies puzzled. “You need to go out and get some fresh air, get the hell out of the house. Go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine, it’ll help unscramble your brain.” I wish it was that simple. If that was the solution I would be out there from dawn to dusk.
“It’s not that simple V.”
“I know, but it’s better than moping around here all day waiting for Harper to call.” V adds salt and pepper to her breakfast ignoring the fact she has just offended me.
“I am not waiting for Harper,” oh God even saying his name makes me ill, “to call. I know that’s not going to happen I just need time.” I feel the need to clarify this to V because it’ll help me believe it also.
“Time for what? To become a crazy old cat lady. Seriously babe, the sooner you get back on the horse the better. Go forth and prosper,” she says sitting at the kitchen table with me.
I take a sip of her coffee and decide to ask her what she thinks about Jasper and I being friends.
“So, Jasper came over last night.” If I told V I am actually considering a sex change, she would have taken the news better than me telling her about Jasper. She inhales her toast and chokes slightly. After clearing her throat she asks, “Why?”
“He wanted to know why I wasn’t at dinner and to tell me he and Indie are only friends and she feels threatened by me.”
“I am so confused right now.” V looks at me with a puzzled expression, her fork paused in front of her open, gob smacked mouth.
I know the feeling.
“Please explain in English.” V asks after a minute of processing my sentence.
“Jasper explained him and Indie aren’t dating. He said he feels there is something between us and wants to get to know me better. I told him I can only offer him friendship and he is fine with that.” But am I? I don’t want to think why my insides soften whenever I think about him.
“And he came all the way over here to tell you this?” I nod to answer her question.
“I really don’t know what to say. I have never seen Jasper try hard with a girl. This is an effort for him.” V looks as astonished as I was when Jasper came to visit, but her comment ticks me off.
“Going over to someone’s house is an effort for him? That’s just ridiculous. Just because he is blessed with good looks doesn’t mean he can check his manners at the door.” I fail to mention I was the one whose manners were left at the door while I was slamming it into his face.
“No I’m not saying that. It’s just… different. Do you like him?” V corrects herself quickly.
“Like him? I hardly know him.”
“Well from what you do know about him, do you think you could like him?” V probes, up to no good as usual.
“V there is no way I will be pursuing a relationship with Jasper or anyone else for that matter for a very long time. I admit I find Jasper…interesting but we’re just friends.”
“Yeah for now.” V laughs while gobbling up her breakfast.
“Oh Veronica shut it. Look I find Jasper attractive and he is right there is some chemistry between us but it’s purely of a friendly nature.” My reply feels false, like I am lying to her and also to myself. I choose to ignore the reasoning behind those feelings.
V is quiet, which is never a good sign. Before she can interrogate me further, I steal her coffee and head upstairs to work on getting my life back on track.
*****
I have cleaned my room, straightening everything; twice. I cannot put off the unavoidable any longer; I have to start on my CV. Actually sitting down and penning onto paper my life failures is a depressing thought, hence the procrastination. I never thought I would be sitting here writing my CV without a Diploma to add to my credentials. When did my life become so backward?
I finally succumb and make a start on getting my life back. Things are going well until I am glaring at the heading ‘EDUCATION.’ It may as well be screaming at me in big, bold letters that I am a failure. I exhale a frustrated sigh, when will this feeling go away? The ache I felt when I first returned is slowly fading bit by bit but I still feel unsettled. I want to establish myself again without being so afraid of living my life without Harper.
Giving up I head downstairs to make myself some lunch. I open the fridge and am taken aback by all the bright colors of the produce inside and I suddenly feel inspired to create a meal. This is the first time in a long time I have felt motivated to cook and that gives me hope that things might actually be okay.
I am finely slicing my seared tuna to accompany my Salad Nicoise, my mind at complete peace. This is why I decided to pursue a career in the culinary world. I always feel at home in the kitchen and whenever I have a bad day, I create my best dishes. Judging by the colorful creation I just produced, my day totally sucks.
With Florence and the Machine, ‘Dog Days are over’ blaring over my speakers I can’t help but relate to the lyrics. I am singing very loudly and off-key, shaking my booty embarrassingly around the room freely. I don’t know if it’s getting back into the kitchen or the song striking a chord with me but whatever it is, I feel alive.
I am clapping away with enthusiasm and am half way through butchering the chorus when I hear another voice singing along huskily with me. This voice unlike mine has rhythm and heats me from the inside out. This voice belongs to a male currently sitting in my kitchen. And that male is Jasper. I spin around surprised and totally mortified he witnessed me wailing and shuffling around the kitchen like a lunatic. I feel my cheeks redden to match the color of the tomatoes sitting in front of me ready for slicing.
He is toying with his bottom lip, and his smoldering eyes are exploring me from head to toe. I redden even further under his examination. I was not expecting company and am currently in my short jean shorts and stripy red and white cut-off shirt that stops above my navel. My long brown hair is piled messily into a lose ponytail, and due to my uncoordinated boogying most of it has come undone. I am barefoot. Peering down I thank the heavens my toenails are still painted a devilish red. I am wearing my silver toe ring and anklet, but apart from that I have on no other jewelry. Luckily I am wearing a little foundation and mascara but I still look a mess. I disregard my appearance and wonder why Jasper is sitting in my kitchen. How did he get in? And more importantly why is he liquefying my insides with that heated look.
