I surrender, p.5
I Surrender, page 5
Jasper looks at me with inquisitive blue eyes and cautiously reaches out to barely graze my cheek with his fingertips startling me. “Ava, no one is sure of anything. Life throws us challenges and we have to either embrace them or turn our backs in fear. In my personal experience what doesn’t break you, send you crazy or homicidal are experiences to be learnt from. I’m not pretending to know what Harper did to you, or how you feel. But judging by the way you are now, he broke you. Don’t let someone who doesn’t give a shit dictate how you plan your future. Because babe, it’s just that, it’s yours to plan. You can’t live your life for someone else; you will fade and become a shadow of your former self.”
His skin looks a smooth creamy white set against the contrast of his dark messy hair. His perfect strong angled jaw is covered in heavier stubble from when I last saw him; his nose is simple, slightly peaked at the tip giving him an almost arrogant look but it complements his face. His cupid-bow mouth is sensual, and with that tiny scar, that one imperfection, I shiver at its perfectness. But there is so much more than his appearance. I stare, just stare into his eyes, those blue endless pools of wisdom and for the first time really look past his beauty. His mind, his beliefs are what I find more appealing than his stature.
I don’t know why, but I turn my cheek deeper into his palm, as his warm fingertips are still unthinkingly stroking my face softly. It feels like the natural thing to do, which is ridiculous because I don’t know him well enough to be behaving so forward; but I can’t help it. I couldn’t have stopped myself, even if I tried to. The scene to anyone looking in on us is intimate but not sordid, its kind, its supportive and it’s just magnetic.
Jaspers blue, sultry eyes are searching mine as I peek up at him through my lashes and a heat scorches through my entire body. Where has this come from? I was mourning my ex-boyfriend not long ago and now I feel something, as little as that may be, but that something isn’t painful. No matter how small it may be, it gives me hope that maybe, maybe things will get better.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my boyfriend?”
And then that hope shatters, along with my heart.
Chapter 9:
Girlfriend
My cheek feels cool where Jasper has quickly removed his fingers, like a child being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The look on Jasper’s face is one I cannot interpret; his mouth is open, ready to speak but then he closes it quickly, changing his mind. He looks slightly annoyed and frustrated like he is unhappy with Indie, and I have a feeling he doesn’t agree with the title she just loosely threw around.
“Well... I’m waiting,” asks Indie, tapping her stiletto foot impatiently. I am shocked; all I can hear on repeat is the word boyfriend. I shouldn’t be upset, but I am.
“Indie, calm down. We were just talking; there is no need to overact,” Jasper says rubbing his forehead.
“Overact? You didn’t just tell me a girl dribbling all over you doesn’t merit a reaction!” Indie is glaring daggers at me and all I can think is wow merit, that’s a big word for the Barbie doll.
“Look there is nothing to be mad about okay. There is nothing to explain because there was nothing going on, right Ava?” Jasper asks me coolly. There was indeed nothing going on per se, but then again I felt like we were sharing another moment. Am I totally that out of touch with the male species?
Clearing my throat I affirm his statement. “Jasper is right Indie, we were just talking. I just broke up with my boyfriend, a bad breakup and Jasper was lending an ear, that’s all.”
Indie still seething flicks back her hair. “Fine, but next time you want to talk keep your hands to yourself.” I didn’t dare clarify my hands were indeed to myself but it was her boyfriend whose hands were not. Yes I know I wasn’t innocent but it was my cheek, technically my hands were not involved.
“Okay yeah sure, sorry,” I mumble uncomfortably.
Jasper clears his throat, obviously ill at ease with the situation. “Indie, Ava, do you want a drink? I’ll go inside and get you one.”
Indie still glaring at me crosses hers arms. “Yeah sure thanks; you know how I take it.” I cringe at the obvious sexual innuendo and Jasper blanches.
I decline, silently shaking my head no.
“I’ll catch you around soon Ava,” he whispers quickly, taking off and leaving me alone with the queen of all bitches. I push my back off the railing, desperate to make an escape, but she steps forward, her hand slapping down on the banister in front of me, foiling my plans to retreat.
Stepping inches from my face she hisses. “Listen here bitch, whatever sob story you have fed Jasper you will quit it with the innocent eyes and leave him the fuck alone. He is mine and he will NEVER leave me for you, got it? You will not talk to him, look at him, or talk to him via your annoying little friend, nothing. You act as if Jasper doesn’t exist. Go back to the depressing place you crawled out from and if I ever, EVER see you talking to Jasper again I will personally make your life a living hell. You think your breakup was bad; I will make that pain seem like a picnic. Stay the fuck away.”
My chest is rising in panicked breaths, my temper is about to boil over and I am picturing tossing Indie over the railing whilst doing a victory dance in the process. I take several calming breaths and close my eyes. What can I say? She’s right, if the tables were turned and I saw Harper touching another in such a way I would be behaving like Indie, maybe not as crazed but I understood. Love makes you do crazy things. Yup, that fact established loud and clear. So I do all I can do, I nod deflated and walk away.
Walking into the lounge room I see V sitting on the armrest of the chair Lucas is occupying. Seeing my face, which I can imagine looks confused and hurt she reads me instantly. Hopping up quickly she races over to my side.
"Are you okay? What's happened you look like you've been crying?"
I try to muster the bravest smile. "I'm okay V just tired, would it be okay if Lucas took you home?"
V raises an eyebrow. "Sure yes of course he can. I'm worried about you though. I can leave now with you."
"No its okay you stay you're having a good night. Don't let me ruin it. I just want to go to bed." V looks at me unconvinced.
"I'm sure V." I am defeated and just want to go home.
She sighs and nods. "Okay. But you need me for anything you call." Looking around she tries to attract Lucas' attention so I can say goodbye, but he seems to be in a deep conversation with Andy. I look around the room and see those cerulean eyes looking at me regretfully.
I give him a look, one filled with disappointment and finality. I will respect Indie’s request and leave Jasper alone. I convince myself that's why I'll no longer talk to him or even look his way. Not the fact that Jasper disregarded our moment as nothing. I don't know why I expected anything more. I couldn't rely on Harper, why would I expect anything more from Jasper, a complete stranger.
Jasper face is one of concern, his brow crinkling with disarray. It appears he is about to walk over to me, but Indie saunters to his side whispering God knows what into his ear, while smiling a cat got the cream grin. I look away disgusted. I'm done. Why is this upsetting me so? I have only spoken to this guy twice, but yet I feel somewhat envious of Indie salivating all over him.
V notices our exchange and looks at me suspiciously. "What is going on with you and Jasper? Is he the reason why you're leaving early?"
I can't lie to my best friend so I only shake my head indicating I don't want to talk about it. I know I'm in for an inquisition when she comes home, but I can’t talk about this with so many people around.
"We’ll talk about this later."
I pull her into a tight hug waving my goodbyes to everyone.
I allow myself one last glance at Jasper who is still looking at me with defeat. I memorize those eyes and close the door on everything Jasper.
Driving home I let a single tear escape. I wipe it away furiously. Why the hell am I crying? Is it because Jasper disregarded something I felt was special shared between us. Why do I care? I've sworn to myself I won't let another be the center of my universe. The next relationship I'm getting involved in is with me. I am going to heal myself, heal my heart. How can I make anyone else happy, when I am not happy with myself?
Chapter 10:
Save Me
"Okay spill it.” And obviously no small talk with V this morning.
I stare at my soy chai Latte, puffing an exhausted sigh. It's Sunday and I really don't want to talk about last night. However, I know she won't let this go and I might feel better after I share. After tossing and turning all night, I was wide awake before the morning sun was peeking through my blinds. I am so tired of being tired and wanting to cry all the time but I can’t sleep. No matter how hard I try not only one pair of blue eyes haunt me, but now there are two. Like I didn’t have enough problems to deal with.
"V, I really don't know what you want to hear,” I reply honestly.
"How about the truth Ava. You need to talk about this. I don't know what the fuck is going on with you. You've told me what happened with Harper but you haven't told me what's important, how you feel. And what is up with you and Jasper. Don't you dare deny it. I can feel the sexual charge bouncing between the two of you.”
There was no point arguing because she was right. I was woman enough to admit that there was some weird sexual charge between Jasper and I which made no sense, considering I only just met him. I don’t know what it is, and I am too afraid to question it further. I haven’t even fully faced the whole Harper issue yet. So dealing with whatever ‘this’ is between Jasper and I is something I am in no hurry to explore.
V is looking at me, waiting for an answer. I shrug overwhelmed. "V, the Harper thing it hurts. It hurts every day; waking up and getting out of bed is a chore. I want to cry most of the time and if I don't want to cry, I want to scream. I want to scale the tallest building and scream at the top of my lungs, scream and scream into the wind, ‘why did this happen to me’. What did I do to deserve this? But then I question myself, what's the point. How's that going to make me feel better. It's not. It's just going to keep this awful cycle of Harper hurt on repeat. I want it to end. I want out. And the Jasper thing, V I don't even want to go there because I seriously don't know. It must just be my hormones in overdrive because he’s smoking hot. And anyways, I’m not prepared to do anything with him or anyone else because I broke up with Harper like five minutes ago. I’m just a fucking mess."
V stares at me, like she's only really seen me for the first time since my return. Tears form in her bright eyes, and her hand covers her mouth in sympathy.
"Ava I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were feeling this way. I knew you were hurting, but babe, these feelings you have, they are serious."
I only nod because I’m out of words. I'm afraid V is going to look at me differently; endless hugs and support aren't going to be enough this time.
"What happened last night with Jasper?" she asks me hesitantly like I might crumble at any moment.
"Indie happened," I reply bluntly.
"Oh God what did that bitch do?"
"She warned me off Jasper in a not so subtle way." V narrows her eyes angrily; this Indie reaction must be contagious.
"I don't know what the fuck Jasper is doing with her. She is a right royal pain in the ass. They make up and break up so much it gives me whiplash. I don't know what he sees in her. He's such a great guy and she's, she’s just a Botox injection away from being Barbie’s big sister. What they have in common is a mystery to everyone." And again with the accurate analogies.
"What's their story? Are they dating or not?" I need to find out their history because Jasper’s reaction to him being called her boyfriend was not a pleasant one.
"Oh don't get me started. They have been together since high school on and off of course. They break up for months at a time, and then she comes crawling back, legs spread and he forgives her." That doesn’t answer my question. All it does is leave a nasty visual I wish I could singe from my brain.
Cringing I question, "Since high school? Wow that's a long time. Has he seen anyone in between Indie?"
"Av, Jasper is different. I've never seen him with a girlfriend, only Indie. Lucas said Indie is the closest thing to a "normal" relationship he's had. He sleeps around because he certainly doesn’t lack female suitors, but honestly since I’ve known him, I haven’t seen him with a steady partner, apart from Indie which doesn’t really count. I don’t think he really knows what it’s like to be in a faithful, loving relationship.”
I am really confused but more so humiliated that I shared an emotionally charged moment with an emotional reject! So my wires were obviously crossed. What I thought was pure, heartfelt and just sweet Jasper probably viewed in the same light as discussing the weather. I am such an idiot. I internally criticize myself for thinking we shared something.
"Av, what are you thinking?" If only she knew.
"Nothing V. I don't want to talk about Jasper or Harper anymore. I need to focus on me and decide what's next for me. I don't think I can go back to school, not yet. I need a job though. I've decided something unchallenging and brainless is right up my alley."
“Wow sounds rewarding," V jokes.
"That's what I need to do. It’s the only thing that makes sense right now. Throw my ass into a boring job and hope my answers to life miraculously appear whilst earning minimum wage."
V laughs. “I love you Ava. You're my best friend, my sister and I know how strong, determined and wise you are. You'll figure this out. You always do.”
I wish I had her confidence in myself.
"Are you coming to ‘Little Sisters’ for dinner and some tunes tonight? Everyone is going."
I shake my head. "No. I want to start checking out jobs online. No time like the present to change the world with my dazzling CV."
V smiles at me lovingly. "Ava Thompson things will work out you'll see. You've had your share of bad luck, seriously what else could go wrong?
Life has been unpredictable thus far; I don’t even want to think about what could happen next.
*****
I am so glad I stayed home. V tried numerous plea bargains for me to join her at dinner but she finally gave up, and I at last have the house to myself. I put on my well-loved blue jeans and casual tank top while my microwave lasagna is reheating. I sit up on the kitchen bench dangling my feet over the edge pondering where I go from here. I know that throwing myself into work is a plausible idea, but for how long. I still want to send that email to Harper and try for closure. But what would I say? Fuck you for breaking my heart? Why did you do it? Are you happy? I love you? I groan at my stupidity for thinking the latter thought. I need to get over Harper, that ship has sailed and I’ve missed the maiden journey. I knew this breakup was going to hurt, but for how long?
While my meal is cooking away, I sit down at the kitchen table attempting to start my CV. Staring at the blank screen with the black cursor flashing at me, I close the lid irritably. How do I sugar coat ‘drop out’ on my CV?
Thumping my head lightly on the table as if that will give me the answer I seek, the doorbell chimes. I look up at the clock, 9.00pm that’s early for V to be home, dinner was at seven. Then another thought registers, why would V ring her own doorbell.
I walk through the living room to answer the door and groan. It looks like a tornado has ripped through our house leaving debris everywhere in its destructive path. While processing the disorder strewed around the room, I lose my footing stubbing my toe on a lone dumbbell cursing as I tumble while opening the door. I fall into a set of arms luckily or I would have face planted onto the cement. My stomach drops as I glance up at my knight in shining armor, his cerulean eyes assessing me cautiously.
Fuck, its Jasper.
Chapter 11:
Friends and Fire
“Wh…What are you doing here?” I stutter while staring into Jaspers’ eyes. He has a tight hold around me; I squirm to stand on my own two feet. I can’t be having this conversation with him while he’s holding me like we are about to tango.
He lets go reluctantly and replies low, “I came to see you.” That’s it? He offers me no other explanation.
“Okay well you saw me. Mission accomplished, see ya,” I say retreating into the safety of the house, away from Jasper and those eyes. He plants his combated foot into the doorway as I attempt to shut the door in his face. Rude I know, but I can’t deal with this right now… or ever.
“Why didn’t you come to dinner?” he asks his eyes peering at me through the wedge of the door, the door I am still trying to close but his tenacious foot is prohibiting that.
“I’m not hungry.” At that precise moment, the traitorous microwave dings. The corners of his mouth are turned up in amusement.
“I wasn’t hungry before but I am now.” Not that my appetite is any of his business. “So please move your foot out of my doorway so I can go enjoy my meal, alone.” Nice try Ava, no way is that foot moving an inch.
“I want to talk to you Ava…about last night.” Jasper’s words halt my actions.
“There is nothing to discuss.” I shrug dismissively, attempting to hide my discomfort.
“There most definitely is. I know you and Indie had words after I left.” Getting a verbal slaying from Indie is far more than ‘words.’
“Yes we had words, and?” I leave the questions hanging.
“She had no right to say anything to you. I know she can be harsh but she felt threatened.” Jasper replies. His face is blank, giving nothing away.
My temper flares, and that rage is evident in the sudden color flushing my cheeks. “What? How the hell did I threaten her?” She was the one that threatened to give me a beat down UFC style.
