I surrender, p.26
I Surrender, page 26
I haven’t spoken to Jasper since our heated argument and I can’t gather the courage to contact him. I wish I could take it all back but I know I can’t, Jasper deserves better than me - I am emotionally damaged goods forever.
Mr. Chamberlin has enrolled me into class three weeks from today. The sooner the better I guess, but I haven’t even told my parents yet. Or V. When did my life get so complicated? I decide no time like the present and drive to my parents’ house.
I walk up the driveway of my childhood home, realizing this will probably be the last time in a long time I will be here.
My mom opens the doors. “Oh honey what a lovely surprise! Come in.” I walk into her arms and rest my cheek on her shoulder. “Honey what’s wrong?” It’s a mother’s intuition to know when her offspring is a crumbling mess.
I walk inside and fall into the couch. “I’m going back to Singapore mom. CIA has offered me a one year scholarship and I accepted. I leave in three weeks.” That wasn’t so bad after I eventually got it out.
"Oh honey this is fantastic news!" She must see my depressed reaction and asks, "Isn't it?"
"Yes mom it's a great opportunity, I'm just anxious I guess.” But she knows I'm lying.
"Are you sure that's it? This has nothing to do with Jasper?"
The mention of his name depresses me further, there is no point denying it.
"We broke up mom. All because I’m too afraid of being hurt again. He wants to fight for us but I don't know what I want. But if I don’t go mom, I will never forgive myself and I don’t want Jasper to be the reason why I pass up this opportunity because I will end up resenting him, but without him mom, it just feels pointless."
My mom sits down next to me, pulling me into her arms. This is the first time we have had a real adult conversation. Maybe I am growing up; maybe life's answer will fall into my lap eventually.
"Honey you really love him don't you?"
I nod. "I really do mom, but I can’t even tell him. I’m so afraid of losing myself in another relationship. I won't do that to myself again."
My mother concurs, like she knew all along that Harper and I were destined for disaster. "What do I do mom?" I plead like I'm five years old again.
"Honey, you're a smart intelligent beautiful girl, far wiser than a twenty-three year old should be. Listen to your heart honey, because in the end if your heart isn't 100% committed to your decision you will come to regret it." She makes it sound so simple: Listen to my heart.
My heart at the moment isn’t telling me anything as it is in denial, not wanting to be held liable for any decision it has to make. My heart has retired, it is beyond repair. But is that because Jasper and I have broken up, or is it because I know the decision I have made although painful, is the right one. I'm so confused, I feel adrift. I need a beacon of light to guide me through this dark tunnel of uncertainty.
"You will figure it out, I know you will make the right choice, whatever that may be, your father and I support you all the way. We are so proud of you Ava; you’ve got a big heart, use it to steer yourself in the right direction.”
I can't help it, the tears roll down my cheeks, tears of surrender. I lay my head in my mother’s lap and let the tears run freely. I've made my choice; I just hope it's the right one.
*****
After talking to mom about Singapore I feel better. I feel a little more settled that the choice I have made is the right one. It's right for me and that's important.
In a slightly better mood I head upstairs to check my emails. My mood spoils when I see a new email from Harper sitting in my inbox. I open it:
Hi bunny, I am so happy you replied. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness nor would I expect it from you. I was such an idiot for letting you go. You can't imagine how I wish I could take that back. Every day I mourn you. I miss you. I want you back Ava and I’ll do anything to make things right between us. Please give me a second chance. I'm sorry.
Yours forever, Harper xx
Oh my God! What the hell? I check through the email for fear that I have misread it, but it reads the same every time. I am stunned.
I was not expecting this. He wants me back? I must be living in a parallel universe because this Harper, this apologizing Harper is not the Harper I know. I sit contemplatively, what does this means? I can't over think things. I've decided to be impulsive and courageous so I reply without a second thought:
Harper,
I'm not your ‘bunny’ anymore. You gave up the right to call me such endearments when you broke up with me so tactfully (not)… I am not the same person I was 11 months ago Harper, I've changed and that change is for the better. I'm not the lost, voiceless Ava I once was, and I have you to thank. I'm not sorry you broke it off, I am grateful because I found myself, the real me. As for second chances, I doubt that'll happen in this lifetime but I can try for friendship. I have been offered a scholarship to CIA Singapore which I have accepted. I leave in 3 weeks maybe I’ll catch you around sometime.
A
I press send quickly before I regret my decision. I take a gulp of air and sigh. So this is what closure feels like. Why do I still feel so numb?
*****
Over the next few days Harper and I exchange emails. It isn’t as awkward as I once imagined it would be. We obviously can be civil to one another, on the basis however, that he understands nothing romantic will ever happen between us ever again. I have made that quite clear during our correspondence and surprisingly he is accepting of my terms. Maybe there was such a thing as turning over a new leaf. Either way, new leaf, tree or forest, I am keeping my wits about Harper. As I know he has the ability to sweet talk the devil!
We keep things light, old friends catching up. Harper has been promoted by his company to manage a smaller firm just outside of the Singapore CBD; he is achieving his dreams of working his way up the corporate ladder. He has moved into a bigger condo, which he gave me directions to, just in case I wanted to catch up when I was over there. I write them out on a scrap piece of paper and hide it in my CIA Singapore information folder out of sight from V’s prying eyes, who is still in the dark about me moving. I don’t know if I will ever go see Harper, but I write down the details anyway.
He has a dog named Charlie to keep him company, which I’m presuming is to make up for no girlfriend as there is no mention of one. I tell him about my life, school, work at ‘The Bean Bag,’ but I never divulge I have fallen head over heels in love, which recently ended in a fiery ball of pain. Speaking of the fiery ball, I still haven’t heard from him. It has been over two weeks and this hollowness is still as brutal as ever. I ask V not so subtly if Lucas has heard from Jasper. She said Jasper called Lucas to let him know he doesn’t know when or if he'll return to L.A. I know the reason for his indecision is me. How did we go from fiery passion to mild indifference?
*****
As the days drag on, my ache to contact Jasper becomes excruciating. I attempt to call him at least a dozen times but chicken out. How do I make him understand how sorry I am? How I fucked up. I want to beg him to give me another chance. But how can I ask that, when I'm leaving in a week’s time.
I know what I have to do because I don't want it to be goodbye; I want it to be hello, hello to a new beginning for us… together. I don't know if he would even consider a long distance relationship, but I have to try. It's better than the alternative.
I’m not that naïve, I know it's harder for the person staying behind than the one leaving, but I have to tell him. I was wrong not to fight for Jasper. He has given me everything and I’ve done nothing but give him a half-assed attempt at love. This time apart, no matter how angry I have been, has shown me that I want Jasper in my life.
Jasper offered to be my compass when I was lost and now I want to be his, direct him to me. I’ll tell him everything once and for all. My doubts, fears, hesitations, everything he needs to hear to give me a second or rather third chance. But most importantly, I’ll tell him what I should have told him a long time ago, that I love him. That he helped me heal when I thought I would never mend. That he showed me what strength and commitment was between two people. That he is everything to me and I can’t bear to go on if we don’t give this another chance. No holding back this time, we’re in this together entirely: mind, heart, body and soul.
*****
I have to go to the mall to get a few things for my trip, which is a good distraction to keep me busy. While out shopping I bump into Ben.
"Hey Ava, did you want to grab a coffee? Be good to catch up before you leave your partner for bigger and better things," he jokes. I haven't spoken to Ben outside of class after I punched Indie, but he doesn’t seem to hold any grudges so I agree. We grab our coffees and head to a booth.
"So you got much shopping left to do?" Ben asks nodding to my shopping bags.
"Nope all done thank God. I seem to forget there will be shops where I'm going." I laugh nervously. You could cut the tension with a knife and I am ready to do the cutting. "Ben I'm sorry I hit your girlfriend but she totally deserved it.”
There, I have addressed the big elephant in the room or in Indie’s case, the big cow.
Ben lets out a relieved breath. "Thank fuck you said something. I was too chicken and didn't know how to bring it up. I know she deserved it Ava. Indie is a heartless bitch. I'm glad you smacked her one, as I don't believe in hitting girls."
Wow this is news to me. "Then why are you with her?"
"I'm not; we broke up after she came back from Chicago."
"Why?" I'm going to regret this answer.
"Because she's in love with somebody else." He looks sadly at me.
"Yeah herself," I retort angrily.
Ben chuckles. "And that too. I'm better than being second best or in Indie’s case third best. I will never be him."
By him I know he's referring to Jasper. "You're better off without her Ben. Indie is a resentful selfish person who will end up a lonely old bitter lady when her looks fade. “
“You’re right. I'm sorry about you and Jasper."
"How do you know about that?" He doesn't need to answer, I know the how is actually a who. That bitch needs to leave Jasper alone. I get they are childhood friends, but it’s about time he gets new ones.
It's nice to clear the air between Ben and myself and I'm actually having a pleasant afternoon, well that is until my phone chimes with a new text message. It's from V.
I stare at her message confused. It's a photo of the piece of paper I wrote Harpers address on. Under the photo reads the caption:
“CARE TO EXPLAIN?!?”
Why does V have that? I search frantically through my bag. My fears have been confirmed, the piece of paper must have fallen out of my bag accidentally. Fuck!!
Chapter 37:
Love Isn’t Enough
I speed home. I need to talk to V. This is not the way I wanted to break the news to her but I have no choice. I run up the front stairs barging into the living room, and I see her sitting on the couch angrily. She holds the corner of the paper between her thumb and forefinger like it is an offending object towards me.
“Talk!" is all she says.
I sit down near her, turning my body so I am facing her. "I'm sorry V. I was going to tell you I promise, I just didn’t know how to.” How lame do I sound! Not knowing how to tell my best friend, practically sister, life alerting news.
“Are you fucking serious Ava? How ‘bout hey V guess what I got offered a scholarship to Singapore.” I then realize the piece of paper with Harper’s directions had my Singapore schedule on it also. I am a shitty friend. How have I fucked up with so many people I love?
“I know, you’re right, I’m sorry it sounds so simple but it wasn’t an easy decision to make. I wanted to be sure it was the right one before I told you.”
“But it was okay to tell Harper before your best friend?” Oh crap I should have seen that coming.
“No it wasn’t like that.” Wasn’t it though? I had no difficulty letting my ex-boyfriend know about the scholarship. I didn’t even think twice about it. But with V, I avoided the topic like an outbreak of cholera.
“Ava talk to me! What the hell is going on with you? Ever since Jasper left for Chicago you have become a shadow of your former self. Now that you two have broken up, you are a ghost. You’re here, but you may as well not be. I don’t even know what exactly happened between you and Jasper. You are both moping sad sacks of shit. I don’t understand why the hell you don’t talk to one another!”
I cock my head and ask, “How do you know Jasper is moping?”
V looks at me puzzled. “Because I saw him the other day being all sulky.”
“He’s back in LA? When?” I demand softly while my heart crumbles.
“You didn’t know?” V questions. I shake my head. “Oh shit Ava I’m sorry I really didn’t know. I thought you knew. He’s been back like three days. “
Three days I whisper to myself, that’s a long time for him to be home without telling me. I feel lifeless and frozen inside. So it really is over. If he wanted to work something out with me, he would have contacted me, but he hasn’t. My attempt of patching things up with him are crushed, I have no reason to try anymore as it seems he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve really fucked up this time.
“Ava look at me, talk to me honey please.” I look up at V, my lip trembling in anguish.
“I fucked up with Jasper V, I thought I could make things right, but I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.”
“What did you do that’s so bad? What did you say to him?” V begs for an explanation because I haven’t told her much; it’s just too painful to talk about. But now I have nothing left to lose.
“It’s what I didn’t say V. He has been honest and given himself to me completely. I haven’t done the same to him. I don’t deserve him. He says he wants to better his relationship with his mom to better himself for me. He’s so wrong; I have to better myself to become a better woman for him. I overreacted when he told me he was staying in Chicago, I just felt like he wasn’t thinking of me when he made his decision. The decision to go to Singapore was made easier because of that, but that’s not the main reason. The main reason is because I am so scared. The feelings I have for Jasper, I can’t…” I sob, “I can’t get my heart broken again. It’s safer not to feel anything than the pain of losing him.”
“Why do you think you’ll lose him? He’s crazy about you. Anyone can see that.” V encourages me.
“I thought I’d never lose Harper and look how that turned out. My heart got broken beyond repair; I couldn’t bear to live through that with Jasper. I can’t stand another heartbreak. I’m scared if I give him a real chance he’ll leave me or we’ll fuck it up like we have in the past.”
“Jasper is not Harper, Ava. Give him some credit. He loves you. He really loves you. “
“V, love isn’t enough,” I reply disheartened.
“So that’s it, you’re just going to run away to Singapore, to Harper!”
“I am not running to Harper! Harper and I may be living in the same city, but we may as well be living universes apart. There is only person that will hold my heart, and I am too afraid of giving him ALL of it. He deserves better than that.”
I sob hysterically while V embraces me. “Tell Jasper how you feel Ava, he needs to know. Let him be the one to make that choice, don’t make it for him.”
I can’t face Jasper, now or ever. I am going to Singapore and this will all be over. I can cry myself to sleep in a new city.
*****
Time speeds up closer to my departure and I can’t believe it’s my last day in L.A. I’ve had a going away dinner with my parents and am looking forward to some well deserved rest before my grueling flight tomorrow.
Ever since my talk with V, she has laid off about the whole Jasper thing, but keeps dropping not so subtle suggestions that I should contact him. And as always my answer is the same: no.
I have established that this is for the best. A long distance relationship would never work. Jasper is a physical person and I think the distance without sex would kill him. And that’s only the physical side of things. Emotionally we can’t even function when we live in the same state, let alone a different country.
I am all packed and V has promised me a movie night with ice cream and chocolate. I’m going to miss her like crazy. But we promise to visit to each other and I’ll be back for the holidays.
V and I are sitting on the couch deciding on what to watch. It’s between two soppy, cry your heart out movies, and I like both. This way I can blame the storyline for my sudden emotional meltdown not because of a certain cerulean eyed boy.
V is in the kitchen preparing the popcorn when my phone beeps indicating a new text message. It must be from one of my class mates wishing me luck. I reach for my glass and iPhone off the coffee table in front of me.
I inhale sharply as I read who the text message is from. I am trembling uncontrollably, which results in dropping my glass onto the ground, it shatters along with my heart into a million tiny fragments.
V comes running into the living room when she hears the commotion. “Ava are you alright?” She’s at my side in seconds, trying to make sense of my catatonic state. “Ava… what?” she asks when I don’t respond.
My hand is over my mouth and my eyes are huge. I shakily hand her my phone so she is able to read the cause for my reaction. She looks at the message confused. All it says is:
I surrender.
The sender is Jasper.
Chapter 38:
One More Step Towards Regret
“What the hell does I surrender mean?” V asks.
Still semi catatonic I reply, “I don’t know. He has said it once before, I thought it had a double meaning then, but now… I have no idea what he means by it.”
“Go to him,” V simply says.
“What? Now? I can’t just go there.”
“Why not?” she asks like she cannot understand my apprehension.
