I surrender, p.17
I Surrender, page 17
"I'm not judging, he’s snapped you out of your mood and I’m happy. And it's good he's got someone to spend today with.” V continues sipping her coffee, leaning a hip against the kitchen counter.
"That's what friends do; they invite one another to ones Christmas lunches when they are alone," I reply pitifully, there is no point trying to convince her.
"Ah ha." V frowns totally unbelieving of my tale.
I stick my tongue out playfully. "If you keep being such a Grinch you won't get your Christmas presents." V puts on her biggest smile.
"Better."
I giggle as we run into the living room to exchange gifts like little kids.
After we have waffles for breakfast and unwrap our Christmas presents I run up stairs to get ready. I've decided to wear my red dress and little black cardigan. I love getting dressed up at Christmas, I don't do it often enough during the year. I am slipping on a beautiful pair of onyx earrings V got me for Christmas singing away; nothing can dampen my mood today. I hear my phone chirp and I wonder who it could be. I look at myself in the mirror and smile. My reflection smiles back. I look cheerful. My phone chirps again, a reminder of the awaiting text message.
It's from Jasper; he must be wishing me a Merry Christmas before I see him.
Rage flushes my cheeks when I open his message:
Merry Xmas. Can't come. ..Sorry xx
Oh hell no!!
*****
I am quite the delinquent behind the wheel these days. I make it in record time to Jasper’s house. I storm to the front door and charge straight in, not bothering to knock. I see Jasper lying on the couch, his bare feet propped up on the recliner. He looks stunned at my abrupt entrance.
I storm over to him and demand. “What the hell do you mean you can’t come? You don’t look like you have somewhere important to be.”
He simply stares at me and mutes the TV. When he doesn’t answer my question I prompt him, cocking an annoyed eyebrow at him. “Well?”
“What are you doing here? Don’t you know how to knock?” He asks sitting up looking adorable with his ruffled bed hair. But I won’t let his good looks distract me. Well I will try not to.
His reply enrages me further and I snap, “Excuse me if my manners have taken a holiday, like everyone else!”
He has the nerve to smile at me, biting his lip in amusement. “Why are you so mad?”
“Because…” I stammer. Yeah Ava, why are you so mad I question myself.
“Because..?” He inquires crossing his arms over his chest expecting an answer. I steer my eyes away from his sculptured chest as that can definitely be counted as a distraction. A BIG distraction.
“Because I told my parents you were coming and my mother has prepared a feast to feed a hundred people. She will be disappointed if I turn up alone.” What a lame excuse, but it is all I can come up with.
“I’m sure your mother will be busy cooking and be glad she has one less mouth to feed.” He entwines his hands behind his head stretching, and in the process exposing a slither of his ripped stomach. I can feel my eyes drift there on their accord. Damn him, he is doing this on purpose. I close my eyes and take a calming breath. Once my hormones have subsided, I open my eyes and peer at Jasper who looks mighty satisfied with himself.
“Why won’t you come?” I ask him. Jasper shrugs giving me an impassive look. Then a thought hits me and I want to flee. I assemble enough courage and ask softly, “Would you prefer to spend Christmas alone, than with me?”
Oh God that was it. I blanch at the scene I have made and I feel my breath catch in my throat.
“Ava no, that’s not it.” Jasper quickly leaps up from his chair, grasping my arms and looking me in the eyes.
“Then what is it?” I ask biting my lip in apprehension.
He sighs. “Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. As a kid it was the most depressing time of the year, not the best like it should be for most kids. With a family like mine, I wished Santa would give me a new family for Christmas. It never happened.”
Of course, I am so stupid. I should have figured the holidays were never a good time for him. Ugh, I deserve a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking this year!
I suddenly want to change that for him. I want this to be the best Christmas ever. I hope I am not crossing some line as I whisper, “You’re not a child anymore. I think it’s time to change your opinion on the best holiday of the year. Don’t let your family ruin Christmas for you as an adult.” We are quiet for a moment as he looks deep in thought.
I continue. “And please don’t let my stupidity get in the way of you having a good day with good people and good food.” I want him to enjoy himself, just for today; maybe he can forget what an idiot I am for hurting him. A ghost of a smile passes over his mouth. I think I have nearly won him over.
“And my mom makes the best apple pie. The tedious boring family traditions are well worth it, just for a slice of her warm apple pie.” I cringe when I realize my comment could be interrupted quite crudely.
Jasper laughs when he sees my reaction. “Well in that case how can I resist an offer like that?”
I knew he would come around; he just needed some coaxing and bribing.
“Merry Christmas Jasper.” I whisper and the words warm my heart. I peer up at him and his beauty astounds me. I really want to hug him, well truthfully I want to throw my arms around his neck and fist his untidy hair but I stop myself. Only just.
“Merry Christmas Ava.” He looks down at me, his head tipped to the side. I am fidgeting with my silver rings, avoiding his unreadable gaze. He then surprises me by opening up his arms and I hesitantly step into his welcoming embrace. I bury my neck into his chest and am showered with his rich fragrance. What a way to spend Christmas morning.
Lost in all things Jasper, I suddenly remember. “I have your Christmas present in the car, but we’re running late. Can I give it to you later?”
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he murmurs into my hair.
“I know but I wanted to.” To make up for my idiocy I silently add.
Still in his embrace he sighs contentedly. “I’ve got all I want for Christmas.”
Too afraid and confused to ask I only nod and enjoy being in his arms on Christmas morning.
*****
We walk up my parents’ driveway and Jasper looks slightly nervous. I look over at him as I ring the doorbell. He is wiping his hands onto his jeans. I am surprised to see Jasper so tense. He has no need to be, but then I remember his confession that Christmas time has not been a happy one for him in the past. So I promise myself I will change that, starting with today.
My mom answers the door engulfing me into a huge hug. “Merry Christmas honey.” I pat her back uncomfortably. Mom gets way too emotional at Christmas and I am afraid if I return her hug too enthusiastically she will cry.
“Thanks mom,” I whisper still trapped in her death grip. When she finally lets go I point to Jasper. “This is my friend Jasper.”
“Hello Mrs. Thompson. Merry Christmas, thank you for inviting me.” Jasper smiles politely, cerulean eyes shining brightly. Ten points for manners.
My mom looks at Jasper and I can tell she is thinking what every hot blooded woman thinks when first meeting him. WOW! She clears her throat and smiles. “That’s okay Jasper, please call me Maggie. Come in.” I am stunned that my mom is going to let one of my friends call her by her first name. This is certainly a Christmas for firsts.
Mom leads the way into the heavily Christmas decorated living room humming some random Christmas carol. I look over at Jasper who still looks a little worried. Raising my eyebrows I whisper, ‘Please call me Maggie.’ It is lame impression of my mother but I get the response I want as Jasper snorts back a chuckle.
Dad is talking to my Uncle Charlie and beams when he sees me. “Merry Christmas, Princess.”
I run over and give my dad a big hug. “Merry Christmas dad, this is my friend Jasper.”
My dad raises a suspicious eyebrow. Oh no, the last friend that was a boy that I introduced to my parents was Harper and look how that turned out. Sadly, Jasper’s good looks haven’t won my dad over, although I would have been a little concerned if they did.
Dad shakes Jasper’s hand suspiciously. “Merry Christmas Mr. Thompson. Thank you for having me.”
My dad nods with an apprehensive look. Before the scene can get any more uncomfortable I cry out, “I’m starving. When is lunch ready?”
Dad is still giving Jasper an intimidating look. This is so awkward I want to stab myself with mom’s little tooth picked sandwiches she’s passing around. Thank God food is being served, what a great distraction.
*****
Christmas lunch is nearly over and my parents haven’t embarrassed me beyond belief. Yet.
I am helping my mom clear the table for desserts when dad asks, “So Jasper what kind of friends are you and my daughter?” Oh God! I drop the plate I am holding resulting in peas rolling all over the table and floor.
“Dad!” I reprimand glaring at him shaking my head with a stiff upper lip, trying to transmit in code not to pursue this topic.
“What, princess, the last boy you bought over here that was a friend was that good for nothing Harper.” Looks like my code signaling blows ass!
Can’t I even escape his name on Christmas day? I don’t know what to say, I am mortified.
Jasper smirks as I peer at him from the corner of my eye. “No I agree with you Mr. Thompson, Harper is a good for nothing SOB.” My dad looks at Jasper silently, a long awkward silence passes.
I stare from Jasper to my dad and back to Jasper. This is emotional ping pong!
Then my dad laughs unexpectedly. “Well put son, I’ll drink to that!” and then just like that Jasper and my dad are best friends saluting over my SOB ex!
*****
The rest of the day progresses with no other embarrassing hiccups. After a banquet of delicious foods I leave my family and Jasper chatting over coffee.
I stand outside for a moment, feeling the frosty breeze cool my face. The air chills my cheeks but it feels somewhat peaceful. I think about last Christmas and how this one has been so much better. I am with my family and... a friend.
“Hey you,” whispers my friend. I must have been deep in thought as I didn’t hear him approach.
“Hey yourself.” I smile lifting my face towards the heavens closing my eyes feeling fortunate to be alive. I can almost pretend the light touches on my cheeks are Jasper’s fingers, stroking me. He stands beside me silently, not wanting to disturb my moment of passivity.
After a while, he quietly reaches over and holds my hand. And we both stand there, not saying anything, just hands entwined. We don’t have to speak. The silence says enough.
*****
“Bye mom thank you so much for having us over,” I whisper against her shoulder in yet another bear hug.
“Oh honey you’re welcome. You are always at home here. You too, Jasper.” Wow I look at my mom. She never said that to Harper. Kudos to Jasper. Dad and Jasper give one another a manly handshake. I actually think dad likes him. The day has been a success.
Jasper looks at ease on the way home, his eyes closed with his head resting against the headrest. Seeing him this way I know my mission to change Jaspers’ mind on Christmas has worked. “Thank you for inviting me.” He smirks with dimples on parade. It never ceases to amaze me when he does that, it’s like he can read my thoughts.
His hair has grown longer, creeping into his face every so often. He pushes it off his face and looks over at me happily.
“You’re very welcome. Thank you,” I reply.
“Thank me?” he asks puzzled. His left eyebrow rises slightly whenever he is perplexed and it’s simply adorable, and I am so sad for noticing something so trivial.
“Yes thank you for coming. It was the best Christmas I’ve had for a while,” I explain.
“Me too,” he answers gently.
I pull into his driveway and reach into the backseat for this gift. He stops my retreat with his hand on mine. “Come inside. I have something for you.”
“You what?” I ask confused.
He grins cheekily. “Yeah Santa told me you were a good girl this year.”
I follow him into his house all the while hyperventilating quietly. “Take a seat, I will be right back,” Jasper says as he walks upstairs.
I sit on his couch nervously fiddling with anything I can find. I was not expecting a gift from him. Jasper coming to Christmas lunch was all I wanted. To spend that time with him was invaluable. However, I am curious. I am unexpectedly very apprehensive that my gift is not good enough.
Before I can beat myself up further Jasper bounces down the stairs smiling, sitting next to me. “Merry Christmas Ava,” he says while holding out a box in his outstretched palm.
Oh no, inside that box holds a very expensive present, a jewelry kind of present. I am right, my gift cannot compare to whatever treasure this little velvet box has within. I suddenly get sticky palms and I swallow nervously. “It’s not going to bite you I promise.” He jokes noticing my apprehension.
My hands shake as I remove the beautiful silver ribbon wrapped around the blue velvet box. I am afraid to open it; I sit and stare at it in my hands. Jasper places his warm hand on my trembling fingers and we open the box together. Tears descend down my cheeks when I see what is inside the white silk interior.
It is an elegant silver charm bracelet. There is one charm dangling delicately and I finger it gently. The light catches it and it sparkles brightly. The charm is of a bird midflight. I am sitting without a sound, staring at the beautifully crafted bird, feeling the ridges of its wings as I pass my finger back and forth over the charm. I am too afraid to take it out of the box as I know the moment I see it on my wrist a flood of tears will fall.
Jasper reaches for the box and I hesitantly let it go. I look over at his elegant fingers as he unclasps the clip and softly reaches for my wrist. Fervor so hot burns me when he touches me and I bite my lip to stop myself from passing out. He tenderly repositions my open palm to rest on his thigh as he attaches the bracelet onto my wrist. I look down and realize he hasn’t removed his grip from my wrist. His thumb is tracing a soft line backwards and forwards and I take a visible breath.
I am still stunned and Jasper smiles. “You once told me you wished you were a bird. That you could fly away and never have to land. Well I can’t wish you into a bird, but I thought this could give you strength when things get too much.” Tears are falling down my face freely, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
“It was meant to make you smile not cry.” Jasper laughs while wiping away my tears.
“They are happy tears. Thank you. I’ll never take it off.” I touch the charm and it gives me strength because it’s from Jasper.
He nods happily. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it,” I quickly correct him. We are silent for an eternity and I finally remember I haven’t given him my gift. My present now seems absolutely modest compared to his.
“I didn’t know what to get you,” I mumble nervously as I search in my bag for his gift.
“Whatever you give me, is perfect.”
I timidly hand it to him. He sits gazing at it for the longest time and looks lost in thought. I shift uncomfortably as I want this to be like a band aid. Quick and painless.
He slowly removes the light blue tissue paper and uncovers a leather bound journal with his initials carved on the bottom right hand corner. He looks up at me stunned. His hair falls into those big eyes, and I can tell he likes it. I exhale a relieved breath.
“Open it,” I whisper. He removes the leather bindings and imprinted in script on the front page is a Chinese proverb I found which reminded me of us:
“A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.”
Inside is a pen with a blue sapphire diamond tip, it’s not very masculine but the sapphire pierces me like Jasper’s eyes. He looks at it and then at me.
“I found that proverb and it reminded me of you… and me. I thought you would like, you can keep all your notes in it or all your cures you are secretly working on.” I joke referring to our conversation in the coffee shop. He looks astonished and I struggle to speak without buckling under his gaze. “It’s your private haven. Whatever ideas you need writing down that may be trapped up here,” I tap his forehead, “you can write down in here and maybe they will make more sense.”
His face is expressionless and I start to question if he does actually like it. I doubt my decision and scold myself for a stupid gift choice, but then he looks up, his long eyelashes wet and a single tear is sliding down his cheek. I am taken aback and I shakily wipe away his tear. For once I am the one consoling him.
I repeat his words. “It was meant to make you smile not cry.”
He pulls me into his arms lovingly and whispers, “They are happy tears.”
Chapter 24:
Happy New Year
On New Year’s Eve we are all headed to ‘Little Sisters’ because ‘Passengers of Ego’ are ending the current year and welcoming in the New Year with a bang. V and I are decked out in our best scandalous ‘bring on the New Year ‘outfits. I have made my New Year’s resolutions. My list in no particular order:
1. I am going back to school. I have decided that I am ready, I am ready to get my life back and follow my dreams of becoming a chef; carpe diem!
2. I am going to give myself an emotional makeover. I may not be the broken, miserable girl that I once was, but I certainly am not fixed. I have a long way to go before I am happy with the Ava Thompson looking back at me every time I glance into the mirror.
That leads me to resolution number 3:
I have to get closure with Harper. If I am to patch myself up, I need to get all this Harper baggage buried once and for all. I need him to be aware of the pain he caused me. How his selfish actions crushed my heart, my soul and my spirit. But ironically enough, I want to thank him. If it wasn’t for him dumping me, I would still be that pathetic girl with no direction in life. I would be a ghost of my former self, all because I thought I knew what love was.
