I surrender, p.16
I Surrender, page 16
Feeling depressed and wanting to hide under my blankets for a year I glance around the bar and see Lucas and Andy. I cannot deal with anything Jasper. Even his band members depress me.
The boys’ heads snap up when they hear V calling out to Lucas. “Hey papa bear."
V beams when she sees her handsome boyfriend. I on the other hand cringe. Papa bear? Seriously. I never thought I'd hear V use a term of endearment for a boyfriend, let alone one that consisted of the words ‘papa’ and ‘bear.’ And here comes the bitterness.
However, I will not let my sour mood get in the way of V’s love fest with Lucas. We take a seat with V perching on Lucas’ lap. I look around; there are ample seats to go around. I shout at myself that we’re here for a good time, quit it with the pessimism.
"Good to see you Ava how you been?" Lucas asks. I can see why my friend is head over heels for this boy. He is polite, genuine and totally adores V. What's not to love about 'papa bear?' I know what his next question is going to be by the look in his eye.
"So have you spoken to Jasper?" he asks uncomfortably.
And there goes my laundry list of why papa bear is a good guy. I squirm uneasily. Jasper may not be here but his presence is everywhere and it's haunting me. Down to the stage that he owns when mesmerizing the audience with his music, or the end of the bar where he would lean, beer in hand while watching bands, and of course down to the spot on the floor where he took a beating because he was jealous of me talking to someone that wasn't him. Damn him.
I hear a throat clearing, I've obviously spaced again to the land of Jasper. I look at Lucas who seems to be mid speech and the throat clearing is coming from V who must have witnessed my derail from reality.
"He's really upset and won’t tell me what's going on. He's being really weird and private. J and I have known each other for years, since he came to LA and I've seen him get into his moods where he shuts people out, but I’ve never seen him like this. He won't even come to band practice, and that's saying a lot. Jasper never misses practice. Ava what's going on? I can't get jack outta him; maybe you can shed some light on what the hell is going on because we are all really worried about him.”
I am startled to hear he is missing band rehearsal. “Why isn't he going to practice? What about the shelter?" I ask concerned that he would miss two of his favorite things in the world.
"I don't know that's why I'm asking you. I'm worried about him. He looks like shit and is moodier than usual which is saying a lot for him." V rubs Lucas’ shoulder in concern and I feel awful. This is all my fault.
"We had a fight and I haven't spoken to him since," I blurt out before I can stop myself.
"Must have been some fight if you guys aren't talking. I see the way he is around you, you challenge that bastard and I don't think he knows how to handle that. He's custom to girls being what they think he wants them to be, and then you come along and screw that up." Lucas is smiling at me, pulling a label off his beer bottle.
I however wipe that smug look off his face when I retort."And how did I exactly screw anything up. I'm not going to throw my morals and beliefs to the curb just because he’s pretty to look at." Poor Lucas, he looks like he is ready to wield his bottle as a weapon against me.
"That's what I mean. J isn't just a pretty face to you, you see him for what's inside. He's not had that before. The girls he’s been with use him as a status fuck because he’s that singer outta some band, they use him just as much as he uses them."
Lucas’ words slap me hard. When Jasper and I were getting hot and heavy he never pushed me, it was always what I wanted, how far I wanted to go. When it happened between us he said he wanted it to be perfect. And I never pushed because I knew he was right.
Of course he was right, look what happened the one and only time our clothes came off. We stopped talking, after I did too much talking of course.
"I don't know how to fix it." I confess sadly because I have been mulling over this for weeks and coming up short of ideas.
"Talk to him. You're both as stubborn as each other but I think more than anything Jasper is hurt." Lucas and V are full of relationship wisdom. No wonder they never fight.
I know I’ve hurt Jasper. And now my bitterness is replaced with sorrow.
I have to fix this. Now.
I know Jasper is working at the shelter tonight; I have to make this right.
I jump up giving Lucas a quick kiss on the cheek. "I can see why my friend is crazy about you." V looks up at me smiling an ‘I told you’ smile. Damn her smugness.
"V would it be okay..."
“Yes go, Lucas can take me home." She knows where I need to be. I give her a quick hug and bolt out of the bar like the devil is on my heels.
*****
I've broken about fifty road laws to get home in record time to feed Oscar and change. If I'm going to see Jasper and beg for forgiveness, I don't want to look like a bird has taken up permanent residency in my hair. I am a mess. Physically and emotionally.
I need to go home and collect myself. I need to shower and feel semi normal before I do this. Running inside I call out to Oscar. He is so cheeky and I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights where he has selective hearing. I am frantically running around my room trying to decide on the most appropriate outfit to wear. After a few minutes of indecision I finally settle on jeans and a tight knitted sweater. I head back downstairs calling out to Oscar. But he still hasn’t arrived.
I shake the cat food container. Still nothing. Just as I start to worry I hear his little bell chime from across the road. As I walk through the kitchen to let him in, I hear brakes squealing and a horrible thud followed by a car speeding off. My heart drops into my stomach and I can't open the door fast enough.
I leap down the stairs and my mouth falls open in disbelief as I stare at Oscar lying in the middle of the road, motionless. I run as fast as I can to reach him. Tears are falling down my cheeks as I stop and fall to my knees to check if he is alive. His heart is beating so faintly and I know I need to get him help now or he’ll die.
Ripping off my sweater frantically, I bundle him up and he lets out a pained meow. “I know buddy I'm sorry. You just hold on. Don't you give up on me."
There is only one place I'm going... Why does it feel like the words I just whispered to Oscar is appropriate to the man I am running to.
Chapter 22:
Second Chances
I break another fifty road laws, my tires squealing as I pull into the shelter’s parking lot. I run to the passenger seat where I gently pick up Oscar and cradle him to my chest. He looks dead, and then I see his little chest rising faintly. I leave my car door open and bolt to the front door. The door chimes as I enter and my eyes search frantically for Jasper, but he is nowhere in sight.
I shoulder the staff door open and rush to the back area where he usually hangs if it’s a quiet night. I call out to him like a raving lunatic down the hallway and thankfully I see his head peek around the end doorway confused. His startled eyes must be taking in my disarrayed state. I know I look a mess, with my black yoga pants, ripped tank top and heavy tears mixed with Oscar’s blood smears.
"Ava what's wrong?” He comes running down the hallway and sees the limp form I am holding out to him.
His eyes widen in alarm. "Shit. Take him into room three. I’ll call the Vet."
He rushes into the office while I place Oscar on the silver gurney. My vision is blurred with my endless tears as I am patting an unmoving Oscar. Jasper rushes in and starts the prep for what I assume the Vet has asked him to organize before he arrives. Jasper works quickly, his delicate hands preparing the devices that will save Oscar’s life. I hope.
I breakdown and place my head on the gurney cooing Oscar that it'll be alright, but I can't guarantee him that. Jasper stands beside me, apprehensively at first but when he sees my shoulders shuddering in anguish he gently rubs my back. His heady scent assails my nostrils and I bite back a sob. I have missed him so much. He looks just as I remember, stunning, but I wish our reunion was under better terms.
"He will be okay Ava I promise. He's a tough little guy." His words calm me somewhat, but as I look down at Oscar I know he doesn’t have long.
"How long until the vet gets here?" I snivel when Oscar lets out a little injured meow.
"Not long, only a couple more minutes. He was out on a house call. He'll be here soon I promise.” Jasper is stroking my back trying to comfort me but I am a mess. His blue eyes are assessing me with such tenderness and care, the concern clear in his beautiful cerulean eyes.
Oh God how did I stuff things up with Jasper. I don’t deserve the compassion he is showing me and a fresh set of tears fall down my cheeks.
He pulls me into his arms and kisses the side of my neck. "Let it out. I'm here for you. I promise I always will be."
*****
True to Jasper's word, the Vet arrives two minutes later. Jasper tells me to wait in the lunchroom while he helps the Vet attend to Oscar. I feel sick. If I had eaten it would have been thrown up hours ago. What's taking so long? I pace the small lunch room with a long communal table, sink and coffee machine. I am about to rush out there when Jasper comes in looking exhausted.
I run up to him staring into his eyes for answers. "Is he okay? What happened? Oh my God is he…dead?" I choke on the last question.
Jasper pulls me into a tight embrace and murmurs into my hair, "He's going to be fine Ava. He had a few injuries but the doc fixed him up. He'll need to stay for a week but he will be okay. I will personally make sure he is given the VIP treatment while he is in here.”
The relief is overwhelming and if I wasn't in Jasper's arms I would have collapsed. ”Here sit down. Let me get you some water," Jasper says placing me into a seat while going over to the water fountain.
I watch the muscles contract under his t-shirt as he bends down to pour me a glass of water and I know I was so stupid to compare my feelings for him to Harper. The way Jasper makes me feels, I've never felt this way for anyone, not even Harper and that scares me.
Jasper hands me the water and takes a seat next to me. He is looking at me cautiously, like I might break down at any second. “Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"
"Give me your hand," I order softly.
Jasper looks puzzled, raising his eyebrow, but entrusts me with his hand. I place his palm over my heart and look into his deep blue eyes. I exhale a brave breath and confess.
"What you make me feel in here, it scares me.” I use his own words back at him, so maybe he can understand how I am feeling.
“Your generosity, your convictions and your heart they astound me." I then place my hand over his heart.
We are standing with our hands on each other’s rapidly beating chests, just staring endlessly at one another. He has an inscrutable look on his face but I don’t care. I need him to know how I feel. No matter how late it is.
“Jasper White you overwhelm me." And for once I lean in to kiss his stunned lips.
At first he hesitates, but I quickly encourage him to open his mouth wider so I am able to invade his warmth. He at last gives in with a soft sigh crushing me to his chest. His heart is beating frantically and I am breathing heavily, drowning in everything Jasper. I need him more than my own breath.
I run my hands through his tousled hair which has grown since I last touched it. I can’t stop myself and I grab a fistful of his luscious locks and pull, which elicits a soft moan from him and he bites my lip passionately. I press my chest into his, desperate to get lost in him. I want this man with my last breath but then I feel him pulling away. I’ve lost him; I’ve left it too late to apologize for my stupidity. My heart breaks with his withdrawal.
He gazes intently at me, resting his forehead on mine. “This doesn't change anything you know that."
"I know," I sigh sorrowfully. “I’m sorry Jasper. What I said to you was unforgiveable and you have every right to hate me.”
"I could never hate you Ava, but I needed to hear that weeks ago." Jasper pulls away, his lips are wet and inviting and I suffer a profound sadness that I may never kiss those lips ever again.
"Better late than never." I half heartily joke but he notices my discomfort.
"Thank you for being honest but it’s hard for me to forget. I’ve forgiven you, but I will never forget the feeling of being told you may never be able to fall in love again. I would be stupid to accept anything but all of you, because that's what I want… I want to possess you mind, body and soul."
I have no one to blame but myself and I drop my head overwhelmed. "I'm sorry," I reply mournfully.
"Me too but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I’ve really missed you. I think we know how to be friends, it's just the other stuff we seem to suck at." More like I suck at.
Jasper gazes at me with big hopeful eyes, chewing on his scar and I am transfixed on his mouth, but I look away quickly. I can’t look at him because if I was to be honest I would argue with him, stamp my foot in protest that I don’t want to be his friend, I want more. I am ready now. It took this stupid time apart for me to realize that I am ready.
But he doesn’t want that, he's made that point loud and clear, so if friendship is all he can offer me then I’ll take it. I prefer that than the alternative of not having him in my life at all.
I push down my heartache and half smile. "Okay." I’ll have to live with the error of my ways.
Jasper looks satisfied, while I want to ball my eyes out. "So here’s to Jasper and Ava’s friendship part two." He extends his hand.
I look at it cautiously; I don't want to shake it. I want it to be running down my face, in my hair, over my body.
But I take it gingerly and smile. “Here’s to second chances."
But inside my torrent of tears submerge my soul.
Chapter 23:
Merry Christmas
Work is busier than it’s been all year because it’s a week before Christmas. I usually love Christmas, but this year I will not be standing under any mistletoe, because the person I want to kiss just wants to be friends. Being Jasper’s friend this second time around has been awful. How can I be friends with a man when I know what it’s like to be held in those arms? To know how he sets my lips alight with his kisses. I want to touch him freely, run my hands through his hair but I can’t, because we’re just friends. That word which should signify unity and happiness makes me want to puke. How did I manage to mess things up with Jasper so badly? Oh yeah that’s right, by being an insecure cry baby, that’s how.
I can blame Harper all I want, but deep down I know Jasper is right. I am too afraid to give Jasper my all, in case I get hurt again. I am a coward.
A little piece of me dies every time a glance between us lasts too long or an accidental touch lingers. I am breaking apart inside. I know he feels it too. But I have hurt him by being an idiot, by not committing to him completely, like he was with me. I need to grow up. Why am I so afraid of someone who has given me no reason to be? But I go along with the charade, as not having Jasper in my life is not an option.
*****
It’s Christmas Eve and I am frantically trying to shop for everyone's gifts before everything shuts down for the holidays. I have everything for everyone, even a gift for Jasper which I specially ordered. I know it’s a little personal but it reminded me of him.
Loading up the car I avoid colliding with crazy last minute Christmas shoppers and I wonder what Jasper is up to for Christmas. I pull out my iPhone while warming myself up in my car.
He's been very vague as to where he plans to spend his Christmas and I have an inking that's because he's staying home alone. I know he won't be going to Lucas' as V is meeting his parents for the first time tomorrow so it's just family. Andy and Mariah are in Hawaii and Jasper's other friends, even his roommate is with family.
Friends invite friends to Christmas lunch right? I know my parents would never want a friend of mine to be alone on Christmas Day. So I text him:
what U up 2 2mro?"
I pull out of the parking lot and head home. Within two minutes my phone dings indicating a new message, it's from Jasper.
sleepin' u?
I stop at a red light and quickly reply:
Lunch with parents. Sleeping?? But it's Christmas :(
Good time to catch up… zzzzz
I laugh and type out a quick reply while waiting for the light to change:
U told me sleep is overrated
He texts back within ten seconds:
That was before I met u, U wear me out lol
I cringe, what the hell does that mean? I wish that were true! I am staring at the screen trying to decode his message when I hear a honk alerting me that the light has changed to green. I quickly apologize to the driver behind me by signaling an apologetic wave over my shoulder in hopes they see me.
His comment is playing on my mind and I have to reply. I pull over this time and tap out:
After U catch up on UR beauty sleep, want 2 come over 4 Christmas lunch. U’d be doing me a fav.
He doesn't reply for a long while and I start to get paranoid; maybe I shouldn’t have invited him. Have I overstepped some friendship boundary?
As I am lugging my shopping into the house, I feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. I quickly retrieve it and smile when I see it’s from Jasper:
Okay :)
*****
I leap down the stairs singing a Christmas carol, I am overjoyed. It’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year once again, thanks to someone coming to lunch with me. V is making coffee in her pajamas.
I grapple her into a bear hug. "Merry Christmas V!" She laughs while trying to hug me and pour coffee at the same time.
"Merry Christmas Ava. Gee someone is pumped up on Christmas cheer. You get into the spiked eggnog early?” she jokes.
"What’s not to love about the holidays? Eat drink be merry and all that." I sashay across the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee while humming.
V raises a suspicious eyebrow. "You're spending today with Jasper aren't you?"
I look remotely guilty as I gulp down my coffee.
The boys’ heads snap up when they hear V calling out to Lucas. “Hey papa bear."
V beams when she sees her handsome boyfriend. I on the other hand cringe. Papa bear? Seriously. I never thought I'd hear V use a term of endearment for a boyfriend, let alone one that consisted of the words ‘papa’ and ‘bear.’ And here comes the bitterness.
However, I will not let my sour mood get in the way of V’s love fest with Lucas. We take a seat with V perching on Lucas’ lap. I look around; there are ample seats to go around. I shout at myself that we’re here for a good time, quit it with the pessimism.
"Good to see you Ava how you been?" Lucas asks. I can see why my friend is head over heels for this boy. He is polite, genuine and totally adores V. What's not to love about 'papa bear?' I know what his next question is going to be by the look in his eye.
"So have you spoken to Jasper?" he asks uncomfortably.
And there goes my laundry list of why papa bear is a good guy. I squirm uneasily. Jasper may not be here but his presence is everywhere and it's haunting me. Down to the stage that he owns when mesmerizing the audience with his music, or the end of the bar where he would lean, beer in hand while watching bands, and of course down to the spot on the floor where he took a beating because he was jealous of me talking to someone that wasn't him. Damn him.
I hear a throat clearing, I've obviously spaced again to the land of Jasper. I look at Lucas who seems to be mid speech and the throat clearing is coming from V who must have witnessed my derail from reality.
"He's really upset and won’t tell me what's going on. He's being really weird and private. J and I have known each other for years, since he came to LA and I've seen him get into his moods where he shuts people out, but I’ve never seen him like this. He won't even come to band practice, and that's saying a lot. Jasper never misses practice. Ava what's going on? I can't get jack outta him; maybe you can shed some light on what the hell is going on because we are all really worried about him.”
I am startled to hear he is missing band rehearsal. “Why isn't he going to practice? What about the shelter?" I ask concerned that he would miss two of his favorite things in the world.
"I don't know that's why I'm asking you. I'm worried about him. He looks like shit and is moodier than usual which is saying a lot for him." V rubs Lucas’ shoulder in concern and I feel awful. This is all my fault.
"We had a fight and I haven't spoken to him since," I blurt out before I can stop myself.
"Must have been some fight if you guys aren't talking. I see the way he is around you, you challenge that bastard and I don't think he knows how to handle that. He's custom to girls being what they think he wants them to be, and then you come along and screw that up." Lucas is smiling at me, pulling a label off his beer bottle.
I however wipe that smug look off his face when I retort."And how did I exactly screw anything up. I'm not going to throw my morals and beliefs to the curb just because he’s pretty to look at." Poor Lucas, he looks like he is ready to wield his bottle as a weapon against me.
"That's what I mean. J isn't just a pretty face to you, you see him for what's inside. He's not had that before. The girls he’s been with use him as a status fuck because he’s that singer outta some band, they use him just as much as he uses them."
Lucas’ words slap me hard. When Jasper and I were getting hot and heavy he never pushed me, it was always what I wanted, how far I wanted to go. When it happened between us he said he wanted it to be perfect. And I never pushed because I knew he was right.
Of course he was right, look what happened the one and only time our clothes came off. We stopped talking, after I did too much talking of course.
"I don't know how to fix it." I confess sadly because I have been mulling over this for weeks and coming up short of ideas.
"Talk to him. You're both as stubborn as each other but I think more than anything Jasper is hurt." Lucas and V are full of relationship wisdom. No wonder they never fight.
I know I’ve hurt Jasper. And now my bitterness is replaced with sorrow.
I have to fix this. Now.
I know Jasper is working at the shelter tonight; I have to make this right.
I jump up giving Lucas a quick kiss on the cheek. "I can see why my friend is crazy about you." V looks up at me smiling an ‘I told you’ smile. Damn her smugness.
"V would it be okay..."
“Yes go, Lucas can take me home." She knows where I need to be. I give her a quick hug and bolt out of the bar like the devil is on my heels.
*****
I've broken about fifty road laws to get home in record time to feed Oscar and change. If I'm going to see Jasper and beg for forgiveness, I don't want to look like a bird has taken up permanent residency in my hair. I am a mess. Physically and emotionally.
I need to go home and collect myself. I need to shower and feel semi normal before I do this. Running inside I call out to Oscar. He is so cheeky and I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights where he has selective hearing. I am frantically running around my room trying to decide on the most appropriate outfit to wear. After a few minutes of indecision I finally settle on jeans and a tight knitted sweater. I head back downstairs calling out to Oscar. But he still hasn’t arrived.
I shake the cat food container. Still nothing. Just as I start to worry I hear his little bell chime from across the road. As I walk through the kitchen to let him in, I hear brakes squealing and a horrible thud followed by a car speeding off. My heart drops into my stomach and I can't open the door fast enough.
I leap down the stairs and my mouth falls open in disbelief as I stare at Oscar lying in the middle of the road, motionless. I run as fast as I can to reach him. Tears are falling down my cheeks as I stop and fall to my knees to check if he is alive. His heart is beating so faintly and I know I need to get him help now or he’ll die.
Ripping off my sweater frantically, I bundle him up and he lets out a pained meow. “I know buddy I'm sorry. You just hold on. Don't you give up on me."
There is only one place I'm going... Why does it feel like the words I just whispered to Oscar is appropriate to the man I am running to.
Chapter 22:
Second Chances
I break another fifty road laws, my tires squealing as I pull into the shelter’s parking lot. I run to the passenger seat where I gently pick up Oscar and cradle him to my chest. He looks dead, and then I see his little chest rising faintly. I leave my car door open and bolt to the front door. The door chimes as I enter and my eyes search frantically for Jasper, but he is nowhere in sight.
I shoulder the staff door open and rush to the back area where he usually hangs if it’s a quiet night. I call out to him like a raving lunatic down the hallway and thankfully I see his head peek around the end doorway confused. His startled eyes must be taking in my disarrayed state. I know I look a mess, with my black yoga pants, ripped tank top and heavy tears mixed with Oscar’s blood smears.
"Ava what's wrong?” He comes running down the hallway and sees the limp form I am holding out to him.
His eyes widen in alarm. "Shit. Take him into room three. I’ll call the Vet."
He rushes into the office while I place Oscar on the silver gurney. My vision is blurred with my endless tears as I am patting an unmoving Oscar. Jasper rushes in and starts the prep for what I assume the Vet has asked him to organize before he arrives. Jasper works quickly, his delicate hands preparing the devices that will save Oscar’s life. I hope.
I breakdown and place my head on the gurney cooing Oscar that it'll be alright, but I can't guarantee him that. Jasper stands beside me, apprehensively at first but when he sees my shoulders shuddering in anguish he gently rubs my back. His heady scent assails my nostrils and I bite back a sob. I have missed him so much. He looks just as I remember, stunning, but I wish our reunion was under better terms.
"He will be okay Ava I promise. He's a tough little guy." His words calm me somewhat, but as I look down at Oscar I know he doesn’t have long.
"How long until the vet gets here?" I snivel when Oscar lets out a little injured meow.
"Not long, only a couple more minutes. He was out on a house call. He'll be here soon I promise.” Jasper is stroking my back trying to comfort me but I am a mess. His blue eyes are assessing me with such tenderness and care, the concern clear in his beautiful cerulean eyes.
Oh God how did I stuff things up with Jasper. I don’t deserve the compassion he is showing me and a fresh set of tears fall down my cheeks.
He pulls me into his arms and kisses the side of my neck. "Let it out. I'm here for you. I promise I always will be."
*****
True to Jasper's word, the Vet arrives two minutes later. Jasper tells me to wait in the lunchroom while he helps the Vet attend to Oscar. I feel sick. If I had eaten it would have been thrown up hours ago. What's taking so long? I pace the small lunch room with a long communal table, sink and coffee machine. I am about to rush out there when Jasper comes in looking exhausted.
I run up to him staring into his eyes for answers. "Is he okay? What happened? Oh my God is he…dead?" I choke on the last question.
Jasper pulls me into a tight embrace and murmurs into my hair, "He's going to be fine Ava. He had a few injuries but the doc fixed him up. He'll need to stay for a week but he will be okay. I will personally make sure he is given the VIP treatment while he is in here.”
The relief is overwhelming and if I wasn't in Jasper's arms I would have collapsed. ”Here sit down. Let me get you some water," Jasper says placing me into a seat while going over to the water fountain.
I watch the muscles contract under his t-shirt as he bends down to pour me a glass of water and I know I was so stupid to compare my feelings for him to Harper. The way Jasper makes me feels, I've never felt this way for anyone, not even Harper and that scares me.
Jasper hands me the water and takes a seat next to me. He is looking at me cautiously, like I might break down at any second. “Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"
"Give me your hand," I order softly.
Jasper looks puzzled, raising his eyebrow, but entrusts me with his hand. I place his palm over my heart and look into his deep blue eyes. I exhale a brave breath and confess.
"What you make me feel in here, it scares me.” I use his own words back at him, so maybe he can understand how I am feeling.
“Your generosity, your convictions and your heart they astound me." I then place my hand over his heart.
We are standing with our hands on each other’s rapidly beating chests, just staring endlessly at one another. He has an inscrutable look on his face but I don’t care. I need him to know how I feel. No matter how late it is.
“Jasper White you overwhelm me." And for once I lean in to kiss his stunned lips.
At first he hesitates, but I quickly encourage him to open his mouth wider so I am able to invade his warmth. He at last gives in with a soft sigh crushing me to his chest. His heart is beating frantically and I am breathing heavily, drowning in everything Jasper. I need him more than my own breath.
I run my hands through his tousled hair which has grown since I last touched it. I can’t stop myself and I grab a fistful of his luscious locks and pull, which elicits a soft moan from him and he bites my lip passionately. I press my chest into his, desperate to get lost in him. I want this man with my last breath but then I feel him pulling away. I’ve lost him; I’ve left it too late to apologize for my stupidity. My heart breaks with his withdrawal.
He gazes intently at me, resting his forehead on mine. “This doesn't change anything you know that."
"I know," I sigh sorrowfully. “I’m sorry Jasper. What I said to you was unforgiveable and you have every right to hate me.”
"I could never hate you Ava, but I needed to hear that weeks ago." Jasper pulls away, his lips are wet and inviting and I suffer a profound sadness that I may never kiss those lips ever again.
"Better late than never." I half heartily joke but he notices my discomfort.
"Thank you for being honest but it’s hard for me to forget. I’ve forgiven you, but I will never forget the feeling of being told you may never be able to fall in love again. I would be stupid to accept anything but all of you, because that's what I want… I want to possess you mind, body and soul."
I have no one to blame but myself and I drop my head overwhelmed. "I'm sorry," I reply mournfully.
"Me too but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I’ve really missed you. I think we know how to be friends, it's just the other stuff we seem to suck at." More like I suck at.
Jasper gazes at me with big hopeful eyes, chewing on his scar and I am transfixed on his mouth, but I look away quickly. I can’t look at him because if I was to be honest I would argue with him, stamp my foot in protest that I don’t want to be his friend, I want more. I am ready now. It took this stupid time apart for me to realize that I am ready.
But he doesn’t want that, he's made that point loud and clear, so if friendship is all he can offer me then I’ll take it. I prefer that than the alternative of not having him in my life at all.
I push down my heartache and half smile. "Okay." I’ll have to live with the error of my ways.
Jasper looks satisfied, while I want to ball my eyes out. "So here’s to Jasper and Ava’s friendship part two." He extends his hand.
I look at it cautiously; I don't want to shake it. I want it to be running down my face, in my hair, over my body.
But I take it gingerly and smile. “Here’s to second chances."
But inside my torrent of tears submerge my soul.
Chapter 23:
Merry Christmas
Work is busier than it’s been all year because it’s a week before Christmas. I usually love Christmas, but this year I will not be standing under any mistletoe, because the person I want to kiss just wants to be friends. Being Jasper’s friend this second time around has been awful. How can I be friends with a man when I know what it’s like to be held in those arms? To know how he sets my lips alight with his kisses. I want to touch him freely, run my hands through his hair but I can’t, because we’re just friends. That word which should signify unity and happiness makes me want to puke. How did I manage to mess things up with Jasper so badly? Oh yeah that’s right, by being an insecure cry baby, that’s how.
I can blame Harper all I want, but deep down I know Jasper is right. I am too afraid to give Jasper my all, in case I get hurt again. I am a coward.
A little piece of me dies every time a glance between us lasts too long or an accidental touch lingers. I am breaking apart inside. I know he feels it too. But I have hurt him by being an idiot, by not committing to him completely, like he was with me. I need to grow up. Why am I so afraid of someone who has given me no reason to be? But I go along with the charade, as not having Jasper in my life is not an option.
*****
It’s Christmas Eve and I am frantically trying to shop for everyone's gifts before everything shuts down for the holidays. I have everything for everyone, even a gift for Jasper which I specially ordered. I know it’s a little personal but it reminded me of him.
Loading up the car I avoid colliding with crazy last minute Christmas shoppers and I wonder what Jasper is up to for Christmas. I pull out my iPhone while warming myself up in my car.
He's been very vague as to where he plans to spend his Christmas and I have an inking that's because he's staying home alone. I know he won't be going to Lucas' as V is meeting his parents for the first time tomorrow so it's just family. Andy and Mariah are in Hawaii and Jasper's other friends, even his roommate is with family.
Friends invite friends to Christmas lunch right? I know my parents would never want a friend of mine to be alone on Christmas Day. So I text him:
what U up 2 2mro?"
I pull out of the parking lot and head home. Within two minutes my phone dings indicating a new message, it's from Jasper.
sleepin' u?
I stop at a red light and quickly reply:
Lunch with parents. Sleeping?? But it's Christmas :(
Good time to catch up… zzzzz
I laugh and type out a quick reply while waiting for the light to change:
U told me sleep is overrated
He texts back within ten seconds:
That was before I met u, U wear me out lol
I cringe, what the hell does that mean? I wish that were true! I am staring at the screen trying to decode his message when I hear a honk alerting me that the light has changed to green. I quickly apologize to the driver behind me by signaling an apologetic wave over my shoulder in hopes they see me.
His comment is playing on my mind and I have to reply. I pull over this time and tap out:
After U catch up on UR beauty sleep, want 2 come over 4 Christmas lunch. U’d be doing me a fav.
He doesn't reply for a long while and I start to get paranoid; maybe I shouldn’t have invited him. Have I overstepped some friendship boundary?
As I am lugging my shopping into the house, I feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. I quickly retrieve it and smile when I see it’s from Jasper:
Okay :)
*****
I leap down the stairs singing a Christmas carol, I am overjoyed. It’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year once again, thanks to someone coming to lunch with me. V is making coffee in her pajamas.
I grapple her into a bear hug. "Merry Christmas V!" She laughs while trying to hug me and pour coffee at the same time.
"Merry Christmas Ava. Gee someone is pumped up on Christmas cheer. You get into the spiked eggnog early?” she jokes.
"What’s not to love about the holidays? Eat drink be merry and all that." I sashay across the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee while humming.
V raises a suspicious eyebrow. "You're spending today with Jasper aren't you?"
I look remotely guilty as I gulp down my coffee.
